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Darkness... 

Asha Frost - Monday, May 30, 2011

It's been a couple of months since I've last shared and truthfully, it's because I have had quite a few health setbacks. When I started to blog, I made a commitment with myself that I would share as authentically as possible. I am me. Perfectly imperfect and it was time to share it *all*.

 

 

 

For the past 12 years or so, I have been working on being in this body. Many healers have told me that the physical pain is simply a reminder to stay here, on this earth. That Creator needs me here in a physical form and I need to love and accept my body.

 

Easier said than done. Loving and accepting a body that honestly, feels like it is 90 years old, when you are 33, is no easy feat. Just ask Benjamin Button. Which, as an aside, I've joked to one of my friends may be my actual true story. I've already gone through the joint pain, fatigue and organ issues of old age, so it can only get better from here! Sigh. I digress.

 

 

So, anyways, I have this body. And it's Spring 2011 and everyone is speaking in colour, light and bloom. And all I can feel is grey, dark and doom. And I feel sad because while everyone else seems to be transforming, I seem to be stuck in fallow season. Lagging behind, in my 90 year old body.

 

 

I know this is all an illusion and divinely planned and perfect and blah, blah, blah. But it sucks. For it always seems to come back to my physical health. And I always seem to be having to cancel plans and look like a big party pooper and frankly, I'm getting sick of it. (I told you that I was going to be honest). The dis "ease" of this season is Shingles and the post neuralgic pain that has decided to stick. I have heard that this pain can be excruciating, but wow. I am now, fully in the know. So, as I look outside at the flowers and sunshine, I am inside, resting, in pain and I am sad, because I feel like I am, most definitely, missing out. (And as any Gemini will tell you, missing out is quite the tragedy!)

 

 

A few years ago, I made a commitment to jump into the void. To fully embrace my darkness and heal all of the wounds that I had unconsciously been running from. I am deeply grateful to that teacher for he was a catalyst for much healing in my life. Up until that point, I was the eternal optimist (still am), who engaged in the fairy wishing, angel sprinkling and light and love can heal all attitude. There is nothing wrong with those parts of me and I continue to love them, however, if I am really honest with myself, nothing, for me, got healed by sending love and light. My teacher used to say this and I would get triggered by it, but it's true. What was getting healed here? I had to change something. I had to look deeper. I had to look at my darkness.

 

 

Over the past few years, I have unlocked, stirred up and unleashed many of the wounded stories of my being, healing my soul and thereby connecting on a deeper level with my spirit. It has been quite the journey thus far and often times I ask my spirit "Where do we go next"?

 

 

Well, I didn't have to look too far because recently, in the midst of half of my body breaking out in ugly, weepy wounds - another layer of my deep darkness began to surface. Old feelings of deep shame and unworthiness began to shake up and out. What amazed me the most was how my body was expressing these feelings of shame through something, on my physical body that I can only describe with adjectives such as gross, horrific and disgusting. My body was brilliantly expressing on a physical level, what I was spiritually and emotionally trying to clear. So, even though, I was feeling postively disgusting, I can see now, that there was beauty in the darkness.

 

 

In our Creation stories, all was manifested from the darkness. Darkness was empty, silent and cold. Nothing could be heard or seen, until that first spark of divine Creation energy. There is a beautiful teaching that says that we need darkness to dream. That in the midst of a dark night, spirit can deliver its most divine messages. Darkness *is* beautiful, indeed.

 

 

Darkness. Void. Silence. Cold. Emptiness. In the past, my heart would call out for warm and fuzzy, my mind for fairies and unicorns. But now, I see that this distracts me. So again, I go silent.

 

 

Darkness. For me. Right now. Is authentic. I am in the void and there is beauty here waiting to be revealed. The truth is here. The message. I have been choosing suffering for years. Suffering in this physical body. It has been a choice. I have created this and it is time for this story to die. I do not deserve this suffering any longer, so whatever has lead me down this path, I now commit to bring forward for healing. Beautiful Condor. Hatun Kuntur (Peruvian), I ask for your help.

 

 

And I pray:

 

 

Hatun Kuntur, come to me beautiful winged one and guide me into the mountains. Guide me to the sacred space where I can let go of what is rotting and dying inside of me. I am ready. Track the dead energy in my life and help me to release it forever. I am exhausted from this suffering and chose a healed path now. Connect me to the Luminous Ones. I am ready.

 

 

And my ancestors come forward. The Medicine Man with his Eagle Feather. The wings of the North and South coming together as one. He says that he has been waiting for this and swoops his feather across my body and says: "It is done. The Lupus is done. This was the last step." And I trust.

 

 

And from this moment forward I will honour the teachings of darkness in my life. I dream a new dream into being where I am living a vibrant, full life in this magnificent body that I have chosen.

 

 

With love, light and all of my dark,

 

 

Meegwetch,

 

 

A. xo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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