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Suffering... 

Asha Frost - Friday, October 12, 2012

I had a crazy mommy moment yesterday at our local health food store.  I was happily shopping with Kai and trying to be efficient as I had to be home to see a patient.

 

Groceries into the car, check.  Baby Kai in car, check.  Stroller in trunk, check.  And then...click, all of the doors lock.  My heart dropped.  My keys are in the car.  My phone is in the car.  My *baby* is. in. the. car.

 

Thankfully there was an earth angel to the rescue who offered his phone and his coat (I had run out of the house without one!) He patiently waited as I tried my husband, my stepfather (neither answered), CAA (which would take too long!) and finally, seeing me on the verge of a breakdown, announced that he was calling the police. 

 

Kai was screaming, Kai was sad.  Tears were streaming down his face, not knowing why his mommy was sending all of her heart love through a window.  He could see my lips moving: "I love you Kai, Mommy is here Kai, Kai Bear, it's all going to be okay..."

 

It was not a good situation.  Until the fire truck showed up.  Yup.  A huge red fire truck, ladder and all.  Ha.  I sure know how to cause a scene. 

 

They got him out without breaking my window and I was so grateful.

 

However, I cannot get Kai's little tear stained face out of my head.  The fact that he suffered even for a moment, causes my heart to hurt.  I never want Kai to suffer.  I cannot bear the thought of it.

 

And I realized just how fearful I am of this. 

 

When I think about my own journey with my health struggles I sometimes have a difficult time acknowledging all of the pain.  It has been quite a journey and I would never want to go back to any of those times. I take full responsibility of this being mine to heal, that every time my body experiences pain, that it is an opportunity to go deeper and heal the source of it all.  Those times have been my biggest teachers, but they have also been really challenging.

 

But I do not, ever, want Kai to suffer like I have.  I cannot even think about the possibility of it.  It is too much.  I want to protect him from every pain, every loss, every sadness.  And I wonder if this is what every parent feels?  I know that this is not realistic.  From a greater perspective, I know that we choose our lessons and gain an infinite amount of wisdom from all that we struggle through.  But I just could not bear the thought of my baby going through all of that pain.

 

So, today, something struck me.  Why can I not bear the thought of my Kai going through this, yet, I have been through so much and never truly stop to offer myself the compassion and love that I would offer my sacred child.  Am I not worth more love than that?

 

And something becomes very clear to me.  I need to see myself as precious and beautiful and as perfect as my baby Kai.  I need to nurture, love, protect and honour myself as much I do for him.

 

So, I ask you, where and when do you need to offer yourself the love and kindness that you would offer your child?  If you are not a parent, just imagine seeing a baby or an animal and how that immediately opens your heart.  Can you offer yourself all of that compassion, all of that love, all of that acceptance?  Tonight, I wish all of this for you.  I wish that you see your light, your infinite beauty and radiance and that your heart fills with the knowing that you are so precious, so loved and needed on this earth.

 

As I close my eyes tonight, I pray to the Star Nations and I send this affirmation up and out for the entire universe to witness.

 

I am precious.  I am loved.  I am beautiful.  And we are one.

 

A. xo

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