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Whispers of Creation 

Asha Frost - Saturday, March 03, 2012

As the days of this pregnancy are coming to an end, I am reflective. I have not written since I found out that I was pregnant. I have been in a state of nurturing my spirit and that of my unborn child. Going within. Hibernating. As the days have moved forward, the whispers have gotten more profound. "Rest, my beautiful mother" they say. "Take this sacred time for you and I to be in the Spirit of Creation". And the deepening of my healing continues. My womb space is nurturing the Spirit of Creation and I have never felt more connected and at peace.

I can say that the last 17 years have felt like a life time of healing. There have been many times that I was not sure that being in this body this time around was the right thing for me. Lately, I have connected to a deep amount of compassion for my body. No"body" should have to endure all of that suffering. I realize how this unbalanced warrior part of me has always just said it was okay, that I am okay. I have pushed myself through the pain, never stopping to offer my body the smallest amount of compassion and love to stop and rest.

But there has been a discernible shift. The whispers of creation have sprinkled their magic. I am 34 weeks into nurturing a sacred child. A little boy. He is a miracle healer. His magical essence has brought me grace. He has taught me the importance of nurturing myself. I get it. I get it. Finally, I get it.

I was driving with my husband last weekend and I was being my usual loquacious Gemini self when he all of a sudden stopped me in my tracks and expressed to me how I have been a master at wearing a mask in my life. This statement came as a surprise to me as he rarely shares his innermost thoughts. He is what some would call the "strong, silent type", so his words were quite profound in that moment and really made me think. Why did I feel that it was so necessary to always pretend that I was okay? Even when I felt like I was going to die. How is this okay?

2010 was a year that I did not think I would make it. Very few people know that I could not get off the couch without his help, that I couldn't hold a pen or walk up the stairs without cringing in pain. The pain was...excruciating. Yet, I still worked like a maniac, socialized and pretty much filled my schedule up to avoid resting. And my body was screaming to be heard.

October 2010 comes around and I finally decide to take a cortisone shot and a month off of work. Sane people would have done this a year ago, but I chose to suffer. To me, the cortisone shot and taking time off meant that I failed at my healing. That all of the time, heart and soul that I have put into healing myself had not worked.

Yet, what I didn't know was that this was a form of surrender. And surrender heals. It allows for integration, it allows for breath, it allows for rest. Surrender is miraculous. And I fought it every step of the way.

Fast forward to August 2011 and I find out that I am pregnant. In an instant, I knew that this child would bring my body immense healing. My doctor, was not so convinced. Faced with a high risk pregnancy, my doctors have been, well, a little crazy. Every appointment, I was faced with the following messages:

"Lupus causes miscarriages...You have elevated antibodies that could cause blood clots in your placenta...You are not out of miscarriage territory yet...Lupus scares me, it is a horrible, mysterious disease...You need 13 more ultrasounds to make sure your baby isn't stillborn...you are testing positive for antibodies that could damage the baby's heart." Fear. Fear. Fear. So much fear. These statements would challenge my own belief systems about "my" Lupus.

I finally realized that absolutely none of this fear resonated with me. I was ready to give up that label and trust in my body's inherent vitality and power to heal. I would imagine my baby boy in my arms, big and healthy - intuitively knowing that all was well.

At the last appointment he finally lightened up and said "Well, admittedly, you have sailed through this pregnancy". For the "eternal pessimist" of a doctor (his words) I have to say that this felt really beautiful for him to admit. Not in that "I always knew it" kind of way, but more in what this meant for my body, for my healing journey.

The medical experts say that many women will go into "remission" from Lupus during their pregnancy. Some may say that this is what has happened for me. But I choose to think differently about this.

The child within me is divine. He is more perfect than anything I could have ever imagined. Until he was in my womb, I did not truly connect to what "divine perfection" was. This miraculous vibration is growing inside of me, constantly reminding me of who I am, who I was. Disease free and pain free. Completely deserving of love, self care, rest, joy, health and so much more. This pure source vibration is a daily reminder of my own perfection. And I heal. My body heals. My heart heals. My soul heals. This is not "remission", it is my truth. And this baby is simply reminding me. And his light has expanded so brightly in my essence that there is no longer room for "Lupus". There is only room for my true self.

I am love. I am light. I am healed. I am free. I am beauty. I am grace.

Yes, indeed. This baby is my miracle healer. I am so lucky to be his mother.

And the Spirit of Creation whispers:

"There is no more Lupus. There is only love, Healing Rainbow Woman, only love."

A. xo

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