Asha Frost - Thursday, September 06, 2012

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mommy.  I adored babies and young children and could not wait to have my own.  Every time a little cousin would visit, I would cuddle and snuggle them and my heart would feel so happy just to be close to these little souls.  I loved to babysit, I just adored children with all my heart.


Fast forward to my adult years and at 27, I started my business.  The seven years after that were spent nurturing and loving and sharing my whole heart with my patients and growing my business.  I honestly did not really think about having a baby during this time as I invested my whole being into this endeavor.  When I think back, it surprises me that I waited so long to have a baby, as it was something my child self constantly wished for.


When I got pregnant, I started thinking about balance.  This is something that I am sure every mother agonizes over.  Being self-employed meant, for me, that I would have to go back before a year and I just did not know how everything would work out.  How does one balance work and baby?


The work that I do never seems like work.  It is this miraculous, beautiful, soul filling magic.  It is creation.  It is pure, it is love. 


Every single patient that I see, reflects and mirrors my own issues on some level.  I receive so much healing from my beautiful patients.  I am deeply grateful each day that I "work" and my soul does not feel complete without it.  How can I give this up?


Balance in my life has been a huge lesson.  I have worked really hard to bring balance into my life.  I see my life like a big pie and every part of my life fits into it equally.  Family, husband, friends, work, play, healing, self-care.  These are my pie pieces and of course, at times, some pieces are bigger than the others, but I really try to keep it equal as it just seems to work for me and my life.


Having a baby made my pie a big smushy blob of baby love.  For these past four months, the focus has been on baby, which is beautiful!  This time spent with Kai has been miraculous and I am so grateful for every single second.


This week was my first official week back to work.  Throughout my pregnancy I worried about this week.  How was it going to go?  How was I going to feel leaving my Kai?  How was I going to bring balance into this new chapter of my life?


Well, I can tell you, that this week, I have been a big blubbering mess.  Truly.  The mommy guilt took over.  Every time Kai cried, I thought "Oh gosh, he is traumatized that I am not there."  The reality was that he was wet or hungry, like usual, yet I could not just let it be.


Mommy guilt.   It sneaks up on you.   It can make your heart hurt, it can break you down into a sobbing mess.  It can get all scrunched up in the pit of your stomach until you decide to finally take that breath to let it go. Mommy guilt. It is real. And I am feeling it.


I love my child with all my heart.  I love my work with all my heart.  My work is my passion.  My child is my passion.  How does one balance this?


I realized today just how hard I am on myself.  I expect so much.  Moving into this week, I expected that everything would just flow.  That I would be able to just go back to work and not have to make any adjustments and that I would be able to handle it all.


Today, I am in awe of those moms who can handle it all.


I know that we will find balance.  I know that we will find the groove of it all.  My higher self trusts this.  I absolutely love every second of my time with Kai and I absolutely love every second of my time with my patients.  They are so miraculous, teaching me, shining their light into my life. Both Kai and my patients filled my soul with light and love.


However, tonight, I sit in this vulnerable place of wondering whether I am a good mom, whether I am depriving my child of anything, whether I am doing the right thing.


And this is the truth.  My truth for the present moment.  And I call in my beautiful deer medicine that has always reminded me to be gentle.  To let go.  To love myself.  Because all I can do is to do my best.  And that.  Is enough.


A. xo





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